I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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