Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
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how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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