The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
be right there i have to get my cape
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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