Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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