I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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