There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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