I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
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