I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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