ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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