Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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