i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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