Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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