fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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