Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize