I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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