Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Another day, another engagement, another cat
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The uberlube is also flammable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize