She is in my trunk
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
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