Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize