rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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