why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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