so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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