and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize