Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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