i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm passing your future prison.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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