i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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