Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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