I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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