Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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