I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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