I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize