Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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