We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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