if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
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"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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