what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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