I want to make a zoo with you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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