I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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