Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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