Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
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His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize