then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm passing your future prison.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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