Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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