Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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