I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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