Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
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She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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