Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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