i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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