I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My bed smells like the plague
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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