yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
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It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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