How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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