Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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