All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize